He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
