Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life is so much better after having sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
