I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
