How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
