Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
