I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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