i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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