Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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