There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
