I cannot find my penis.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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