If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
