Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
