Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize