there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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