and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
