Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
