Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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