Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want to make out with him forever
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
