did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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