Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
