some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I want to be your penis for a week.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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