I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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