I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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