At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize