She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
