The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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