It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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