I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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