Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize