Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
