I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
