This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
