You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
