We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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