Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
