3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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