he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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