chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
