if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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