i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
