so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
