Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
