i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
