i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
