his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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