I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
