Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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