bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm at about main and main street
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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