You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
