The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
