I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
When did we convert life to cartoon?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
