The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
