Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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