I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish there were birth control emojis
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize