if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
