I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
