i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
